Ambigusly Aligned Generic Guy

One from May, 10th, 2011.

Stranger: Hello!
You: Und, hallo!
Stranger: What's up?
You: Well, lots of things
Stranger: Oh no...
You: My ceiling, for example.
Stranger: I see, I see.
Stranger: I surely hope that's up.
You: You do?!?
Stranger: Yes. I'm spying on you this very moment.
Stranger: Better cover your webcam.
You: But...
You: I don't eve...
You: wait...
You: Oooh! You're trying to trick me!
You: But I'm not that easily fooled, [GENERIC VILLANEOUS NAME]!
You: Blast! Your plan is foiled again!
Stranger: I would never try to fool you, for I am [GENERIC GOOD GUY]! I'm only try to warn you of the dangers of chatting online with strangers!
You: Oh, really?
You: Thank you, then
Stranger: Of course, of course! What would you have done if I really were evil? It'd be too late for you by now.
Stranger: I'd probably be sneaking up behind you this very moment.
You: Well, I probabl would have died. Or something worse... y'know, like it's aaaalways "worse than death".
Stranger: Very slowly.
You: You should hurry, if you're too slow I could run away.
Stranger: Psh. As soon as you'd start to run you'd twist something.
Stranger: Those are the rules.
You: Oh, damn rules.
You: Well, you probably wouldn't win at the end. Unless this one of those downer ending stuff;
Stranger: I'd probably use your body to gather organs or something.
Stranger: Keep you alive during the majority of it, of course.
You: Or that
You: You're mean. YOU CAN'T BE [GENERIC GOOD GUY!]!
Stranger: *cough* Well, ummm... How could I defeat evil if I'm not throughly familiar with it? Right?
You: Well, I guess you're right... again
You: THIS IS SUSPICIOUS!
THE GOOD GUYS ARE ALWAYS A LITTLE DUMB AND NOT ALWAYS RIGHT!
Stranger: If I were evil would I have this?!?

*pulls out a plush fox and pushes it in your face*

See him?!?
You: You... you are... right? I guess...
Stranger: Exactly.

(When you have nothing logical to say, distraction is always a good second choice...)
You: Wait! You distracted me?!?! How could yo- oh look! that plush fox is sooo cute!
Stranger: *snickers*
Stranger: All going according to plan... yessss...
You: Well, ambiguosly aligned friend.
You: I must bid you adieu.
You: I'll sleep now.
Stranger: Okies. Have a good night! Sleep well!
You: Thank you. Even though I know you don't mean it and I'm probably get murdered or totured while I'm asleep.
You: But thanks anyway.
Stranger: No problem. I do hope you sleep well. Means you're probably sleeping deeply, which makes it all the easier for me.
Stranger: ...to feel a little bit happier about the state of the world.

The Chinese Monologue

Well, I don't think I can legitimately call this one a conversation per se. But here goes, from May, 10th, 2011 @ Omegle.

You: Und, hallo!
Stranger: hi
Stranger: asl
You: I'm not really german, I just like the sound of it.
You: asl is pretty dull
You: I prefer KABOING
You: or maybe a nice cup
You: you seem to be typing, what are you typing?
You: no? not typing? false positive?
You: damn site
You: well, I guess I could do all the typing for both of us if I knew what you wanted to say
You: but, apparently, I don't, so I think sooner or later you're going to have to type something
You: (you're going to have to type, that's a pretty ugly sentence, isn't it?)
You: Stranger: yes it is!
You: (did I get it right? or you don't think it's ugly? I think you think it's ugly)
Stranger: what ?
You: you type all that time and THIS is what you come up with?!!?
You: "what ?"
You: I would never guess that's what you were thinking!
Stranger: who are you ?
You: I'm just a person, doest it really matter?
You: I said I'm not german, that should suffice
Stranger: but i don't know what you are saying
You: me neither, bud
You: (I'm actually not saying anythin, just typing and thinking)
Stranger: ok
You: (not, necessarily, in that order, althoug it was most of the cases)
You: so, how do you feel about KABOING?
You: or cups
Stranger: I don't know KABOING
You: you don't seem to like any of them better than asl
You: do you know cups?
You: (damn cups, why do I keep bringing them up?)
You: so, I'm guessing you mother language isn't English, what is it? maybe I can switch to it to make you feel more confortable (and maybe type some more)
You: I'm guessing not German too, you would have reacted some way... or maybe not. Is it German?
You: Stranger: No, indeed it is not German! It's other language, I'm about to tell you what it is! Any moment now... just wait for it...
You: aaaany time now...
Stranger: I am chinese
You: oh, chinese... well too bad, I don't speak Mandarin nor Cantonese.
You: so, chinese person... got anything else to say?
You: And why do you take so much time to write some simple stuff like that?
You: You still there?
You: Well, you seem to be gone, but I can mantain the conversation until you come back. You will come back and talk to me, right?
You: Stranger: Of course I will! I'm very considerate of you!
You: Well, that's very nice of you!
You: We could be friends!
You: Stranger: Of course!
You: (Did I get it right this time? I'm presuming you'd like to be friends with me. oh, I see...)
You: Well, you didn't tell me how do you feel about cups. Care to answer that now?
You: Stranger: They're nice!
You: (C'mon, everybody likes cups, I'm sure got this one right)
You: Well, farewell, my Chinese friend. May your conversations have more of you in the future!
You: Stranger: Bye!

Agent John and the bomb.

Another one from September, 2009, at Omegle.

Stranger: hi

You: My name is Agent John

Stranger: oh?

You: no, I'm not a secret agent, or anything like it

You: that's my name

Stranger: wow, your parents must have hated you

Stranger: well if youre not a secret agent, you can't help me with this bomb

You: yeah, pretty sure I can't

Stranger: too bad cause we only have about ten seconds

Stranger: 9

Stranger: 8

Stranger: 6

Stranger: 5

Stranger: 7

Stranger: 4

You: wait

Stranger: 3

Stranger: TIME STOPS!

You: it jumped from 8 to 6

You: then from 5 to 7 and then back to 4

You: that does not make any sense at all

Stranger: it's an evil bomb! now we don't know how much time is left!

You: yeah

You: well, time has stopped

You: I wonder if we can go find someone who can disassemble the bomb

Stranger: hmm, you should try that, I'll stay here and stare at it

You: that should help too, thank you

Stranger: good, hurry!

You: [comes back after a while with a bum]

You: that gentleman said he could help us

Stranger: well, he sure looks trustworthy

You: strangely enough, time has stopped for everybode else, except for him

Stranger: so if time hasn't stopped for him, does that mean the bomb hasn't stopped for him?

You: *kaboom*

Stranger: OH SH

You: oh, there he goes

You: well, now we can't disassemble the bomb

You: it has blown up... too bad

Heaven and the Infinite improbability drive.

That's the one who started it all. Back in September, 2nd, 2009. You'll be able to spot a nice coincidence in the random beginning if you played Portal 2.

You: Infinte Improbabilty Drive, activate!

Stranger: form of, the game!

You: Floyd Cube from hell!

You: Katamari

Stranger: Best Bet Band

Stranger: Chris Rock

Stranger: Transexual mountains

You: Crooked cloak

You: School of Rock calculator

Stranger: steel eyed giraffe

You: controller cookies

Stranger: a simple, sleepy gorilla

You: a fool, a pagoda

You: Oil hat

Stranger: a truth, an ashtray

Stranger: sheets of wellbeing

You: Rats live on no evil star!

You: palindrome

Stranger: the good times are killing me

You: several symptoms of dabble

Stranger: rattling cancer

You: snakes on a boat

Stranger: a motherfucker

You: a fuckin' mother

Stranger: a snake fucking mother on a boat. made of....sparkles....

You: dreamcast killed your best friend's parents

Stranger: hey

Stranger: that's true

You: I know

You: that's why I said it

Stranger: caroline?

Stranger: I thought you died....

You: I did

You: duh, how could I know?

Stranger: shiiiiiiiiiit......is there cake there?

You: not much actually, it's a lie, you see?

Stranger: aperture got a hold of heaven too? fuckers

Stranger: is the borealis up there at least?

You: yes, but you get used to them

You: it's only cool in the first weeks

Stranger: well I suppose I have found their robots fairly charming....

Stranger: if not with a predeliction for murder

Stranger: yeah, im cool with heaven

Stranger: thanks for putting my mind at ease

You: it's not as boring as everybody tend to think

You: I mean, when they told me I was going to heaven I though "oh, jeez, I'll have nothing to do for the whole eternity"

You: but it's pretty much like down there

You: only we are dead

Stranger: that

Stranger: would be a very good band name

You: yeah

You: oh, the internet is pretty fast too

Stranger: bandwitdh limits?

You: no

Stranger: beautiful

You: we got that quantum stuff, y'know

Stranger: shiiiiit, that's hardcore

You: one of those guys who went up here long ago built the mainframe last year

You: since then we use the cloud computing thingies, with the pun intended

Stranger: they have puns in heaven?

You: yeah

You: good and bad ones

You: you see, bad puns don't go to hell

Stranger: oh dammit. I was hoping they'd at least go to purgatory or something

You: no, they all go here

You: but I think it wasn't always like that

You: we got to have some bad puns to make the good ones sound better

Stranger: that's true. maybe the new management considered that

You: yeah

You: I hear god is now a spaghetti

Stranger: I've heard that too. i cant eat italian anymore. just in case

You: no, eating italian is the new communion

You: but anyway, the new guy is good

Stranger: alright, alright

Stranger: sounds like you've got it pretty good up there

Stranger: well, it is heaven I suppose

You: yea, it's heaven

You: and well, I don't think it's bad either

You: I go there sometimes

You: I meant hell

You: I don't think hell is bad either

Stranger: what, you go there for like tourism?

You: yeah

Stranger: I assumed it would be the whole america/cuba thing

You: the guys there seem very happy

You: and there are clubs, and casinos

Stranger: wait

Stranger: is hell vegas?

You: it sure looks like it

Stranger: wow

Stranger: that

Stranger: makes a lot of sense

You: doesn't it?

Stranger: yea. I've always wondered...

Stranger: but wait

Stranger: what if you go to hell

Stranger: for tourism

Stranger: you know, just see the sights

Stranger: but then throw some sins down. like, it is modelled after sin city after all

Stranger: can you still go back to heaven?

You: well, after you die they don't count anymore

Stranger: shit, so you could just go around hell killing people or whatever and FSM wouldn't care?

You: well

You: we can't kill anybody, you see

You: we're all dead

Stranger: hmm, that's true

Stranger: I guess that rules a lot of sins out, doesn't it?

You: yeah

You: some of the worst ones

You: but well, if you're asking that, we can do pretty much everything we want

You: but we don't

You: after all we went to heaven

Stranger: that's true. theres got to be a lot of very moral people up there

You: not really

You: I mean

You: some of them are

Stranger: of course, they MUST be

You: no, not really

You: that's not how it works, I think

You: you see, moral is not the only thuth

You: the spaghetti knows what he's doing

Stranger: thats good management right there

Stranger: write him a reccomendation. maybe they can promote him or something

You: yeah, I'll do it

You: the guy's got some future

Stranger: I wonder if there's room for advancement in heaven's corporate structure

You: oh, they don't actually work

You: it's a hobby to them

Stranger: so

Stranger: you're telling me

Stranger: to them, managing the souls of the dead is the same as fishing

Stranger: or like

Stranger: model trains

You: yeah

Stranger: well what do they actually do then?

You: many things

You: they got common jobs

You: lawyers, doctors, accountants

Stranger: so the spaghetti is an accountant

You: no, I think he's a cook

Stranger: mind

Stranger: fucking

Stranger: blown

You: most people find it strange too

Stranger: thats all kinds of insane

You: that's our universe

You: insane as it is

Stranger: you have to kill me now, dont you?

You: no, not really

You: you're going to die when it's your time

You: or later, the Death guy is very busy, his work is taking all the time he had to dedicate to his hobby

Stranger: he should take a vacation then. get some time to himself. meet a nice girl

You: there are some other new guys helping him, but they're not skilled as Death

Stranger: hey that guy must have some great credentials

Stranger: phds and everything

You: yeah

You: the guy it's the best in the business... but he works as a Lawyer

Stranger: that makes so much sense

You: you really think so?

Stranger: yeah. its what I would've guessed

Stranger: I mean killing people and being a lawyer can be very similar

You: but he doesn't kill anybody

Stranger: well, I suppose killing people and being an accountatnt are similar too

You: people die

Stranger: than he has the wrong title

You: no

Stranger: he's more like

Stranger: a tour guide in that case

You: he does that too, but that's not the hard part

You: he makes everyone who dies to be dead

You: you see, that's different from killing people

Stranger: that

Stranger: is confusing

You: a little, that's why the new guys are having so much trouble

You: but they're hardworking

You: you gotta give them that

Stranger: they do the best with what they have

You: yeah

Stranger: wow

Stranger: well that was very eye opning

Stranger: thank you. I'm a better person because of you

You: well, I think that too

You: but it's just a hunch

Stranger: maybe I'll get into heaven now

You: it's not hard

You: you only can't be really evil

You: there are even some atheists, and agnostics and stuff here

You: I mean, a lot of them

Stranger: wow

Stranger: very tolerant

You: yeah

You: nice people get here

Stranger: thats comforting

You: I mean, when they tell you the heaven is good, trust them, it's a place you'd like to be

You: well, I got to go now

You: I'm dead but I still have to sleep

Stranger: me too

Stranger: well

Stranger: minues the death

First Post

Sorry, I just had to.